Prose: My Life Song

Prose – about my abuse.

“My Life Song

On the sunniest of days
Warm light shining down upon the green meadow
Lined with lazy hills and tall pines
I galloped and giggled with my kin
As a gentle breeze tussled my golden curls
The spring in step reflecting the vibrancy of a life full of promise
– Hopeful -
The music in my heart resonated my young life’s song;

Alive . . .
Alive . . .

Snatched
And trapped
The light dimmed
As a low profile crept
– Calculated -
A long shadow trailed over the joyous sphere of my innocence

The plush green meadows muddied
The lazy hills tensed
And the tall pines splintered
Warmth replaced by the cold
– Eclipsed -
Devoid of light, frozen tears silently fell to the ground as my life song carried me;

Alive . . .
Alive . . .

No matter how hard it tried to shine
Sunlight faded
Blocked by a deliberate mass of darkness
Its coldness dinning the music of my song
At times choking it from me with an icy grasp that left me shaking in fear
– Evil -
Lurked, and seemed to have no boundaries

Time after time the shadow stole
Even the most minute white orb
Shutting out daylight like a swift and heavy hand
Snapping down a shade in haste to hide a
– Malevolent -
Intent, yet no one could see how dark and reaching it was, but me

Too afraid to sing
Motionless
And unable to dance
I could only lay and listen to the distant rhythm of my life song;

Alive . . .
Alive . . .

The shadow grew
Feeding upon other points of light
Robbing the landscape of the horizon
I remained
Flat
And cold
And trapped
In a wallless box of darkness
I tried to step out into light’s warmth, yet
– Deliberately -
The shadow’s wretched hand forced down the shade

Spring
Summer
Fall
And winter
Almost thrice over
My heart
My life song
Became barely audible;

Alive . . .
Alive . . .

The darkness swelled
And eventually enveloped an entire town
Consuming much of the light within its obtrusive path
An abysmal and insatiable appetite
It devoured all that it could with a
– Beastly -
Arrogance that littered undigested remains upon a bleak and barren tundra

Both undiscovered and obvious
The shadow snuffed-out
Light and goodness
Tossing it to the floor like a cheap matchstick
– Destruction -
Its motive driven by its own pain, and ignorance, and fear

Stomped on
Shoved into the ground
Mine, as well as the others were left
Strewn about and barely flickering in a cold vacuum
With no sense of direction or time
– Gasping -
For air. Somehow, and faint at best, the sound of my life song managed to drum deep within;

Alive . . .
Alive . . .

And then one day
Seemingly plucked from the shadow
I was catapulted up
And
– Away -
Oxygen once more ignited the ember of my soul

I breathed
I grew
I adapted
I battled
And
I
– SURVIVED -
A new lease on life quickened both my step and life song;

Alive . . .
Alive . . .

Although the shadow tried to follow
It no longer consumed me
Resurrected
I rose up from the darkness as it lingered behind
– Haunted -
By the past, I moved forward

I have realized that it takes a lifetime
To heal
To learn
How to seek the light
Be daring enough to dance
And have the courage to sing as
– Strength -
And hope from God and within, has helped me to now shout my life song;

ALIVE . . .
ALIVE . . .

So many years have passed
And countless embers have surfaced
We are Survivors of the shadow’s attempt to put out our light
And extinguish our souls
– Reminders -
Forever etched upon us like a haphazard, gigantic, unseen tattoo

Yet with time
I surely have found the meadow’s emerald hues have since restored
The lazy hills have now relaxed with quiet ease
And the majestic pines stand tall albeit weathered, and
– God -
Has shown me how to absorb His warm and Heavenly light

Indeed, I find that my once
Giggling innocence has been replaced by a
Quiet diligence, in turn creating a permanent
Often hidden
Grey tone upon my crown
And too, it is a buoyant determination which now stands in place of vibrancy as
– Clearly -
I now hear and sing my life song;

Alive . . .
Alive . . .

The memories will not define me
Nor will they destroy me
They will however
Serve as a constant reminder:

A shadow is cast when the sun positions itself at an unassuming angle
Yet a time may come when a single
Careful and confident
Step in just the right direction will
– Expose -
And thus banish, yesterday’s shadow

Today
I look full face, body and soul to the sun
Welcoming God’s unrelenting and Divine warmth
For I am
– Blessed -
Freed from the shadow
Surrounded by light

I will dance
And forever sing
My Life Song;

Alive . . .
I am
Alive . . .

Thank God
I
Am
Alive”

Jill Marie Morris


A Letter to My Abuser

August 7, 2014

A Letter to My Abuser

Mr. Banker,

I have searched my heart and soul, and have asked God to help me try to understand what you have done; not only to me, but to the now dozens of children you have brutally abused.

None of us can ever get back what you have taken: our innocence. We can however, at least some of us, resurrect our dignity despite your actions.

God has made His answer known to me through my own, unique life experience. His answer: nothing is solved by violence, or hatred.

I have also learned that some things do become clearer with time. He has also shown me that my greatest blessings are my children, my mother, my brother, and my closest family and friends.

With any of the downfalls I have endured, inclusive of your abuse, I have only gained more strength with the love these beautiful people have given and shared with me. For them, and God, I am most grateful.

It seems that somehow, you lacked having such blessings present in your life. It is my understanding that you too, were abused as a child, and quite obviously, I know how that feels. At the same time, we had choices to make and different roads to take. Your path led you to become an abuser, whereas mine did not. I have been a fierce protector as the result of the crimes you committed against me.

Somewhere along the lines of growing up, you also never realized that children are God’s greatest gift, and that a mother’s love – a parent’s love – can make or break that child. I will state that based upon your actions, you lacked love, understanding and respect for children, adults, God – and yourself.

I do want you to know that no matter how much anger you have caused any of us you have preyed upon, and no matter how much physical, emotional, and mental agony you have inflicted, you will not break my spirit. My soul – my spirit – has been fortified with the love of my children, my mother, family, friends, and God. No matter what you took away, you did not, and cannot take my soul.

You say that you are a man who believes in God; you go to church, and outwardly do good deeds. Frankly, this is only a guise and serves as a self-imposed token of penitence for the pain you have, and continue to inflict upon your victims. The harm and hell you have caused stands to be drawn from a deep well of abuse you once suffered, and appears to be what drives you to committing such atrocities.

What else has God shown me? Abuse endured will either make you stronger, or break you down. Mr. Banker, I have tremendous strength, and you are simply, and utterly broken.

You confessed to raping me, abusing me, and torturing me on a repeated basis, and also to the abuse of at least 12 others; some of them I know – and love. Learning that you have continued to hurt children and have many more victims, some of them recent, has been agonizing in, and of itself to me. I no longer ask why: I know why, as again, God has shown me.

Initially, I wanted an apology from you – before finding out about the others – but an apology consists of words only. Given your crimes, you have far too many words to speak, and absolutely no action to back them up. 

I truly wish you no violence or harm, regardless of the excruciating circumstances you inflicted upon me, or the others, but you need to make a decision – perhaps the most important decision of your life. Going out on a limb, I now would like to know:

Do you wish to keep running away, and hiding from the crimes you have committed and continue to commit against children, or do you want to be proactive and do something that will make a difference to those of us you abused, and are still abusing?

As much as I do not – and I have said this more times than I can count – ever want to see your face, I am willing to sit down with you in a protected environment with witnesses that include Investigator Taylor of the New York State Police, along with a clergy member of your choice, and speak with you in a civil manner about what you have done. I wish to do so in hopes that you will consider turning yourself in, and removing yourself from society in an effort to stop harming more children. By doing so, you will help yourself, and most importantly stop the cycle of violence which you have perpetrated over and over again.

It is not an easy thing to do, but if you have any remorse, or an ounce of decency left in you, you will consider it. I will not yell at you; I do want you to hear what I have to say though. I want you to tell those of us who meet with you, the name and location of each and every child that you have abused, so that we can make sure they are getting the help and support that they need.

I cannot change what happened to you as a child, nor can I change what you did to me, or to the others. I can try to make something good come out of this horror story that has been endured and multiplied by each and every child you have assaulted.

You know that you should be incarcerated. At this point, you have lived a large part of your life carrying out the most calculated and heinous of acts. Perhaps before this part of your journey is over, you will consider doing the right thing, when for so long you have done nothing but the most God-forsaken, and wrong.

I can forgive you, but I cannot forget what you have done. My heart breaks to know that your actions extend to the scope and magnitude they have. You have got to realize that your actions have led innocent children to grow and struggle with drugs and alcohol abuse, prostitution, criminal activity, as well as thoughts and attempts at suicide. This Mr. Banker, is the mess YOU have caused, all due to the pain you suffered as a child, and a failure to help yourself.

In all sincerity, and with God as my strength; I ask that you please consider my offer and DO THE RIGHT THING. Help the communities you have ravaged; the children whose innocence you have robbed.

I understand that you may need to take some time to get your affairs in order, but time is of the essence. The sooner you take positive action, the safer children will be.

Should you choose to continue running and hiding, then I will continue on my quest to make you a household name only in effort to make sure every parent, guardian, caregiver, and person on this planet will know who you are – and what you are. It is my mission. 

Legally, I will try and protect as many children that I can from coming into contact with you. I am no longer afraid of you, or of anyone who stood in the way of sending you to jail years ago, or attempts to stand in the way now.

Look beyond the pain that consumes your heart and has eaten away at your soul. I will listen to you, and help facilitate the direction you need to go to keep children safe.

If you are interested in my offer, please contact the New York State Police and ask to get in-touch with Investigator Taylor, or anyone in Troop K. In turn, they can get in-touch with me to make arrangements.

Should you decline; that is your decision. His will be done.

May God have mercy on your soul.

Jill Marie Morris


Archived Radio Show: Exposing My Abuser

In case you missed the live broadcast of Exposing My Abuser on Spirit Buzz Radio, which aired last Thursday, July 31st, please visit the show archive here.

Discussion included my story, the investigation, the perpetrator and information on the statute of limitations. Please be advised that this two-hour episode is Rated ‘R.’

Thank you.


Pedophile Alert! Child Predator Exposed (Video)

I have posted the following video to warn the immediate and general public of the perpetrator who raped, molested and tortured me as a child. The video content exposes his name, location and abbreviated details of the investigation into my case with the New York State Police:

Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iC9Gbb22lok

This individual has confessed to not only abusing me, but over 12 other children. The list continues to grow. The New York State statute laws for many of these 12 cases, including mine, protect him from arrest. He is also a long-term New Lebanon Central School District employee, who has worked at the Jr./Sr. High School as a janitor for years. Believe it, or not.

I will do whatever I can to protect children from coming into contact with him, and can only pray that if there is a recent victim, they, or a family member will come forward and file a complaint. In my opinion (in addition to the opinion of others), this perp is capable of murdering a child. Please refer to the video for additional information.

Please be aware that his trolling grounds are: Columbia County, New York (Lebanon Springs and surrounding area), Syracuse (NY), along with Pittsfield, and western MA. I am sure these areas can be expanded. He targets women with young children; both little girls and boys.

Feel free to share the video, and please help to support the change of current statutes which protect the lowest of all criminals: those who abuse innocent children. Thank you.


With This Post I Expose My Abuser

***THIS IS A***PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT***CHILD SAFETY WARNING FOR THE IMMEDIATE AND GENERAL PUBLIC***

What I am about to do is not easy, nor came on a whim. It may even create a series of issues relative to the subject. With that said, I will proceed with my statement, having obtained respected legal advice from my personal attorney, as well as from other lawyers who have worked in similar, high profile cases. I have also addressed my concerns with family and the closest of friends (who are ‘family’).

To begin, this announcement is taking place to protect the most innocent of God’s creations: Children. Having filed a police report against my abuser in 2009, I soon learned of the expansive, calculated, and continued atrocities this vile man has committed, not only against myself, but against at least 12 other children from the late 1960’s, into the 1970’s. His most recent (known) victim was in 2008.

Despite his confession to the NYS Police during the formal investigation, it was discovered that the statute of limitations would allow him to roam free. He knew this prior to speaking with lead Investigator Kelly Taylor. Additionally, and adding further insult to injury, this individual has been a long-term, public school employee in Upstate New York. This fact alone is infuriating.

Although the NYS Police may not be able to arrest him for the crimes he committed against me, I have spent the last few years researching my options as how to get this pedophile away from children – legally. The only option that remains is to expose him.

Before I do just that, I implore to those of you reading this, or anyone who should learn of this, NOT to target this individual in any violent manner. Violence is never an option. I have no idea if he has any social media accounts, so please refrain from harassment in that form as well.

The following information is to warn the general and immediate public about this individual in hopes that it prevents him from torturing and abusing any more children. Someone has to make a stand to protect them, and I am willing to do just that so not one more child will not suffer at his cruel and merciless hands.

Details:

David Banker of Lebanon Springs, New York, was a neighbor of ours back in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s. He was approximately 18-years-old when he began abusing me. He is now approx. 63 years of age. He has been a long-term employee at the New Lebanon Central School District (employed as a janitor/maintenance worker).

From 1969, until the early 1970’s (just over 2 years), he raped and repeatedly sexually abused me. He began his reign of terror on me just prior to my 4th (yes, fourth) birthday. The abuse only stopped after my mother moved my brother and I out of the area. I did tell both of my parents the moment it began. What transpired after ‘I told on him’ turned into a living hell for decades.

Although he confessed, apparently like a blubbering baby, it will not erase the heinous acts he has committed. He admitted to sexually abusing over one dozen children. The fact that he had a recent victim does nothing to say he is sorry for his actions, nor shows that he is even remotely aware of the harm he has done to any of one of us individually, or collectively.

I cannot speak for anyone other than myself, but will state that this monster needs to be stopped. In a non-violent manner, he needs to be removed from ease of access to children. Single parents need to be made aware that it was discovered he has preyed on women with young children, and grandchildren.

Although he cannot be arrested for what he confessed to doing to me (as well as the others) decades ago, I am hoping that if there has/have been any recent victim(s), either they or a family member, will see his name and step forward in order to file charges against him, and in turn, get him off of our streets.

Again, please do not respond in an aggressive manner to this individual despite his actions. If you, or someone you know has been exposed to him, and has suspected him of abuse, please contact the New York State Police and file a complaint.

In turn, I thank Trooper Taylor and the others who assisted in my investigation; for taking my complaint seriously, and doing the best they could considering the statute of limitations. It was not an easy task. Investigator Taylor truly conducted one heck of an investigation, only to find out his hands were tied.

Finding that so many children have been Banker’s victims has to be one of the most difficult things I have come to know. Come what may, I cannot sit in silence any longer. How can we protect our children if we are told to keep quiet, or coerced into silence?

I am no longer afraid to speak out. Silence only gives such monsters more power to harm innocent children. Please help to change the laws that govern the statutes of limitations on crimes against children. Indeed, child sexual abuse constitutes the robbery and murder of God’s most precious souls.

To say that it is easier to report such crimes as an adult is difficult enough. Imagine what it’s like to suffer the abuse and be too terrified to speak of it while it’s happening? To assume that a child will forget, or ‘get over it’ is completely irresponsible, and wrong. Current statutes are nothing but a terrible injustice to our children, as well as a travesty to mankind.

This information is also posted on my Facebook wall, as well as Twitter.

Thank you,

Jill Marie Morris

#BreakTheSilence
#StopChildSexualAbuse
#RidStatuteofLimitationsOnCrimesAgainstChildren


Haunted By The Living?

Here’s a thought for all you paranormal fans . . .

Keep an open mind, and just think about this:

Is it possible for a living person to ‘haunt’ a particular location, or locations? What if during a sleep state, some people project into, or onto another location, possibly due to an attachment from a former life?

With witness, I have had a unique (to me) set of experiences over the last few months. Some of these include knowing where a building is located, and describing very specific details about that building, without any prior knowledge, or known significance to the building beforehand. I have also led people to locations (randomly so), without any idea about the layout of the area, or the location of a particular property. Come to find out, in some of these (oddly connected) experiences, the actual locations have multiple claims of hauntings by a particular, deceased individual.

So, with that said, I’ve expressed my feelings about being ‘on the fence’ relative to reincarnation, but who knows? What if during sleep state, it is the living who projects to a place they use to live, work, play, or otherwise, in another lifetime?

In my particular case, there is no ‘feeling’ or sensing of an actual spirit being present, but glimpses of their former life were strongly explained. It’s as if there is an amnesia-like affect relative to that particular spirit who is said to roam. It’s as though I am re-learning something.

On the other hand, with every other spirit contact, I have been deliberately led to a location, and have no ‘blind spot’ as with this situation. It’s a complete enigma, yet I am able to recant, and recall details of places, things and people associated with that now deceased person.

There is proof of actual ‘cell memory’ from the tissues of the deceased. It is not too far fetched a thought to question if the living has something to do in certain situations, relative to hauntings. Not all – but some.


Beware: Bogus Free .pdf Download of Books

I feel the need to address an issue. I had received a communication from someone stating that their copy of my new book, Saints Sinners & Sacred Ground, was garbled. They claimed that sentences were broken, and then pieced together in other areas, thus not making any sense. Allegedly, paragraphs were chopped, and then rearranged in a nonsensical fashion. This was quite peculiar, as I have downloaded 3 Kindle versions for quality check, and have ordered several copies of the paperback: none show any type of errors, as reported by the party.

After taking the time to read through them, and having several friends (thank you) check their versions (paperback and Kindle), it was found to be an isolated, and random issue that could not be reproduced. I then made a few phone calls, followed by research – yes, more research.

I spent quite a bit of time on the phone with both Amazon (regarding the paperback), and Kindle Publishing (regarding the e-book). Having been given “examples” in specific areas, they too, could not find, or replicate the problem. I was advised to have the customer contact the distributor, in order to discuss. The only way this could have happened is: the individual is not using the correct app, or they downloaded the “free” virus-ridden copy from rarshare.com,

As previously mentioned on my Facebook wall; someone took it upon themselves to post a bogus copy of Saints on YouTube, by which they advertised that you could click on a link in the video description, and magically download my copy written material for free. A complaint was filed with YouTube, and they took down the video by a “Martin Anfinsion,” via rarshare.com, however, rarshare.com continues to advertise the bogus book, as well as several other books.

I cannot impress upon the general public enough: BEWARE if someone is advertising a copy of my book (or any of my books), to download for free. The ONLY place you can download a copy of Saints, and 207, is thru Kindle, or, Barnes & Noble’s Nook.

Be advised the “free” copy is evidently a virus that affects your computer when you download it from rarshare.com. It also scrambles the book, and creates the very issue that this individual complained about (rearranged text and paragraphs, etc.). There are many public complaints about rarshare.com for a) copyright infringement, and b) planting a virus on peoples’ computers, only after giving them a scrambled, fraudulent, free copy of the book.

I never heard back from the individual after advising them to contact customer service. I did however, just read a nasty review from someone that either has the incorrect app for the e-book, downloaded the free virus copy from rarshare.com, or just wanted to bust my chops. Either way, it’s a shame.

I have had a countless number of people who have read both (legit) versions, and have not encountered any problem. I am working to get to the bottom of the rarshare issue, and plan on putting a stop to this nonsense, once and for all. Additionally, Saints did have a proofreader, who went through the book twice, and can confirm this information. If you do download a legit copy, make sure you are selecting the proper version for your device, or it will cause issues formatting errors, and issues! .

Please note:  I am not in any way affiliated with rarshare.com, or its subsidiaries, or any person, or business, that is advertising a free copy 207, or Saints,  to download. Aside from select retail stores, the only means of purchasing my books are via amazon.com, Kindle® Direct Publishing, barnesandnoble.com, and Barnes and Noble Nook®. I will continue to perform a quality check on materials provided by the approved distributors, and have not noted, or been informed of any errors pertaining to these issues. If by chance, a customer does order a copy from an approved distributor, and has an issue (such as faded print, or damage during shipment, etc.), please contact the seller, and follow their procedures. For all other questions, please email: info@jillmariemorris.com.

Thank you.


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