A note to readers: My monthly “Horror-Scopes” are written for entertainment purposes, only. Regardless of any connection to reality, they are not meant to be taken seriously.
Career – Work. Work. Work. It’s all about work this month. This is a good time for gossipy conversations at the water cooler, and even an opportune month for an office affair. Basically, you don’t even have to wait for a promotion; just ask and you will receive.
Finances – Who says it doesn’t pay to sleep with the boss? There are positive changes that will be taking place as your finances improve this month. Continue to brown-nose your boss and shower your coworkers with goodies. Keep the treats flowing and your bank account will start growing.
Family – Face it, with all of your office activities, you’re going to be a terrible partner and a neglectful parent. Home is the last place you want to be this month. You feel better in your work environment. Better stock up on TV dinners for the fam, as you’ll be “cooking” at the office – not at home.
Relationships – Affairs and trysts are all part of the agenda this month. A note of caution though; avoid leaving out your daily planner. You wouldn’t want your current partner to question all of those office “meetings” you have scheduled.
Health – You must learn to relax. All of these “extra-curricular” and work-related “activities” are going to be rather depleting. It’s a bit much to carry-on an office affair, and then come home and be expected to “put out”. Something’s gotta give.
Suggested movie: Disclosure (1994)
Career – Unlike your neglectful, zodiac neighbor Aries, your career will take a temporary dive. Without a doubt you have earned the title of Office Drama Queen (or King). This, due in part to your excruciatingly painful lack of patience. Perhaps you finally realized that you’re not going to get anywhere by repetitively calling your coworker a “daft sloth”.
Finances – Due to your careless office outbursts, you will find cash tight during the month of January. This comes after being placed on an extended, unpaid Leave of Absence. Unfortunately, this too, will spill over into your family and relationship sectors.
Family – Everyone is angry with you. Get a hold of yourself and things should improve heading into February. You may just want to completely ghost (avoid everyone) for at least the first two weeks of the month. That’s the safer bet.
Relationships – Quite honestly, your sh*tty mood was self-created and will result in a decreased sex drive. You have officially become known as an Ice Princess, or Freezer King, and all of your own making. You certainly don’t feel warm and fuzzy, thus noticing others will avoid you like the plague.
Health – Surprisingly, your physical health is favorable during this month but your mental health will be the main concern. You have effed-up all over the place at the office and have created a dark mood at home. Avoid drinking alcohol during this period. No need to imbibe a depressant and become a bigger d*ck then you already are.
Suggested movie: Cabin In The Woods (2012)
Career – Powerful and invigorating. Prepare to be handled, perhaps even bent over. Regardless, you’re going to enjoy it. Add travel into the mix, and your career is taking off!
Finances – The month of January is going to suck for finances. Nothing more to say about that. Looks like Ramen soup and bologna sandwiches – all month long. Snag as many office lunches and dinners that you can, as there won’t be any money to dine out.
Family – Congratulations! You’ve managed to put your family at the bottom of your list of priorities. It looks like it’s just work and love life from here on out (at least for the next 31 days).
Relationships – Hell, yeah! Get it! Get your freak on, Gemini! You are hot to trot. Enjoy! The world is your oyster. The prediction is plenty of “sexy time” for you this month.
Health – Good news! Your health is improving after slacking off at the end of 2017. Stay focused – or get fat. End of story. Oh, yeah, and practice safe sex (per my mother).
Suggested movie: Jennifer’s Body (2009)
Career – Messed up. Laid off. Tripped up. Fed up. Yup. It’s a sh*t storm. I suggest you look for another job, far away from the current one.
Finances – You are lacking cash. Your reckless spending at the end of the year means you now need to play catch up. Don’t buy or invest in anything. Don’t even buy deodorant when you need it. Save that for next month. You’re going to need the money for gas to drive around looking for another job.
Family – Quite a bit of arguing is going on in your family these days. Hiding underneath your blanket is not going to do you any good. Try explaining the situation, rather than expecting them to just except your foul mood, Crabby-McCrabster!
Relationships – More turmoil. Just full of good news, eh? You’re fighting with everyone due to all of the work-related issues. Unfortunately, there will be break ups with some make up’s.
Health – It’s time for a “come to Jesus moment”. Stop with all of the self-pity. Stewing and sulking about work is not going to do any good. There is founded need to turn your “mental health day” into a mental health month.
Suggested movie: The Shining (1980)
Career – Your career is progressing slower than a mofo. Morale is low. Lots of clock-watching is taking place at work. Pick up a a Rubik cube to occupy yourself. This is also a good time to take an extended lunch, or, go home for a “Nooner”.
Finances – Oddly enough, your finances are great. Enjoy it now because they will take a negative turn at the end of the month. Investment idea? Try fidget spinners.
Family – This month finds your family life very fulfilling. The family dynamic is supportive and receptive. Consider planning a family vacation during the month.
Relationships – Woo hoo! There is an abundance of sexy time this month. Break out the lingerie and toys, too! And . . . don’t forget to use protection because there’s an increased chance for conception.
Health – Superb, but the bubble will burst the end of the month. There is a good chance you may overdo it during all of the bountiful sex you will have in January. In order to avoid muscle strain and back pain, use only age-appropriate sexual positions.
Suggested movie: Species (1995)
Career – You will find that your career is rocky but you can balance it if you can put a stop to the back biting b*tches in the office. Yes, indeed – they’ve been talking about you. Organize, and plot to succeed. You can do it!
Finances – Virgo finances are pretty good this month because you are naturally greedy. The number of penny jars in your home far outweighs the number of friends you have. Oh, yeah – it may also be a good idea to invest in stocks instead of sex toys. Some say it’s wise to put your money where your mouth is, but I guess it’s OK to put your money where your . . . (yep) . . . is. Hey, it’s all good though, since your mouth may be already be “there”.
Family – Family life is pretty good this month considering you Scrooged-out on holiday gifts. Try taking them out to dinner (not fast food). PB&J doesn’t count, either.
Relationships – You’re committed – for now. A firm believer in loving the one you’re with, does leave open other possibilities with those who cross your path.
Health – Very good! Take heed not to get overly confident and think that a “widow-maker” burger won’t do you in. After all, you’re only human (despite your delusion you are Wonder Woman or Superman).
Suggested movie: Gone Girl (2014)
Career – By all means, please, PLEASE, take an extended leave of absence from work and devote your time to family and relationship matters. This is a period of time when your job should come second, as you’re messing up everywhere else.
Finances – The month begins on a good note, but given the fact you now have to overspend in order to win back your homies, your bank balances will dwindle. Good thing you invested wisely because you’re going to need it.
Family – Things are turbulent on the home front. Your delicate Libra scales are completely imbalanced. Playing “nice and fair” for so long is about to come back and bite you in the ass, so heads up!
Relationships – Explosive arguments are on the horizon. Be prepared for the worst. Partners are sick of your Miss/Mr. Nicey-nice and want out. Grow a pair and speak your mind before you lose them!
Health – Your delusions are out of control. After your wake up call, there will be a need for you to sufficiently nap. This will recharge your body, mind and soul, and will also assist with the process of growing a pair.
Suggested movie: Psycho (1960)
Career – You don’t have one. At the very least, try investing in a temp agency. You can’t live off others forever.
Finances – Your finances are among the best. There is no shortage of cash in your pockets. Given you’re a slacker, you must certainly have secured a Sugar Daddy, or, Sugar Mama. Either that, or, a wealthy family member is supporting you (perhaps both?)
Family – Seriously! Please stop asking your family to support you. Get a job! You’re stressing your family out. You owe them so much money that they will never live long enough for you to pay them back!
Relationships – You are very restless. You’ve been taking what you can, when you can get it. Your plotting and manipulation is catching up to you. You may one day find yourself alone and broke, so get with the program and start functioning like an adult.
Health – Pimping and jonesing for money is not very flattering, on any level. It looks terrible and shows up in every aspect of life. Additionally, your memory is shot to sh*t from all of your money-making schemes. Trade-in your shopping bags for weights and build some character.
Suggested movie: Heathers (1988)
Career – RED ALERT! Sink or swim, ’cause the ship’s going to go down. Don’t allow yourself to drown in the bullsh*t. Someone is trying to wreck your career.
Finances – Work hard, play hard. You can do it if you get out of the position you’re in and work your butt off. Revenge is the best medicine. Make a lot of cash and rub it in your former boss’s face.
Family – Although family is around you, they’re doing their own thing. There is a master manipulator at the helm of your household. Be true to yourself and let the other show their true colors. Your name isn’t “Matt” – YOU show them the door.
Relationships – There are many possibilities if you’re single, but you need to dedicate yourself to enhancing your love life. You need to be more attentive to your partners needs. Special book recommendations are: The Joy of Sex, and The Karma Sutra. Get creative!
Health – All is well with one exception: You need to stretch before having sex. An overly ambitious attitude will do you no good if you’re not limbered up. If you’re single; invest in “toys”. They’re fairly safe. I think.
Suggested movie: When Harry Met Sally (1989)
Career- Surprisingly, your career is very balanced at present. Whatever you’re doing is working, so don’t mess it up.
Finances – Your financial situation will greatly improve in more of a windfall-type scenario. This will either come from winning the lottery, or, may more than likely occur after communicating with a Nigerian prince (with a lot of cash to give). Your financial investment advice would be to contact an attorney to help you navigate your new-found wealth (and get you out of any legal bind).
Family – Your family is supportive, but p*ssed off. I mean, seriously? How could you fall for that Nigerian scam? Lucky for you, they have your back. Watch out for knives though, as an ally may not truly be on your side.
Relationships – Casual affairs abound in the month of January. If in a committed relationship; you will want to spice things up. You’re just a happy Horn Toad at present. Go with the flow.
Health – In addition to detoxing your body, mind and soul, you also need to practice safe sex. If New Year’s eve was any indication, you’ve been a naughty, little human. Scratch your itches, but don’t get bugs in your britches!
Suggested movie: American Gigolo (1980)
Career – Stop b*tching. Face it: YOU are the source of all of your work woes. Put on your big girl/big boy panties and clean up the mess you’ve made. Coworkers will be more responsive if you motivate, rather than demotivate and manipulate them.
Finances – Hey Slim Shady! Your finances are very good (for the near future) considering you’ve done pretty well at blackmailing people. FYI: Ponzi schemes are never a good idea.
Family – Everyone is mad at you due to your deviant behaviors. You need to offer them a whole-hearted apology – and soon. If not, you may find yourself without their support (and calling a bondsman).
Relationships – You are burning bridges. Stop being a sociopath and listen to those around you! They are trying to help you.
Health – You have a lot of work to do. There’s too much stress in your life right now. Invest in ways to heal your body, mind and soul. Start therapy. You need it – desperately.
Suggested movie: Oceans 11 (2001)
Career – A promotion is possible this month. In order to grasp this, you must listen to constructive criticism and apply it to your job. It also helps to keep your big yap shut. You’re not Mr./Miss Know-it-all.
Finances – Decent enough, but stop spending money on chocolate, wine and hookers. Need I say more?
Family – Shocker! Your family is supportive of you – but don’t take advantage of them. Try to calmly respond to them, instead of your usual freak out attacks. Bottom line: they are giving you enough rope . . . just don’t hang yourself.
Relationships – January is a period of rocky relationships. After all, you’ve engaged in clandestine behaviors. This is a time where you should show remorse and fess up before the jig is up and takes you down.
Health – You’re in for a rough ride. You’re a hot mess. Stop all of the indulgences and salacious activities, or you’re going to get “woke”.
Suggested movie: The Craigslist Killer (2011)
Until next month . . .
Jill Marie Morris